114

So day 114 - how the hell did that happen?

It only feels like yesterday it was a week, then a month and now here we are and sailing through each day. I am always conscious it is only a day by day thing but it's nice to see how the work that you put in results in progress.

What is sobriety like? Put simply, it is the ability to live a normal day to day life without wanting or needing a drink and best of all not having all of those horrible feelings that drinking in the way I did was producing.

There isn't a day goes by that I am not grateful for the love and support of those around me and hopefully I can use my experience to help others.

Hang in there. It's worth it.

Kris

It's nice to be back

Just a quickie, I've condensed my old blog down to some of my better posts which have made for an interesting read from a now sober perspective. I'll come back to you in a bit with some more updates.

In the mean time, enjoy.

Time to say goodbye

This was my original goodbye letter to the drink, written in summer of 2012 and even with the best intentions it didn't work. 


Dear Mr Alcohol

 I think the time has come that we both accept a parting of the ways. For years I believed that you were there to help me when in all honesty the complete opposite was true. You have caused me stress, anxiety, sickness, hangovers and a general feeling of self loathing. What I thought you were doing to make me feel better only served to make me feel even worse. I feel cheated by what I believed you were promising me and yet time and time again the results were accompanied by even more severe consequences.

You nearly lost me my job, the addiction drink created caused me to crave more and more at irresponsible times and at even more dangerous levels. That grip of addiction never once eased up and every scenario only became achievable with the glow that a drink once provided. The fiery warmth that alcohol once gave me was extinguished long ago only to be left with a hazy reminder of what once seemed so appealing.

I nearly lost my marriage as a result of you too for you changed my way of thinking. Where I was being warned and told of the dangers of what I was doing to myself, you changed my mindset and turned me against people. My defences came up as a result or I wouldn't talk or feel that I was being victimized or constantly criticized. You made me believe that they had the problem, not me.

From what you used to do to me, I laid in bed not wishing to wake up. I couldn't face the day ahead not knowing what I had done or said to people the night before, the blackouts became more frequent and for longer periods they lasted. My memory of many years of my life is distant for I can only recollect a few occasions or events. This is what you did to me and this is why I no longer want you around. I no longer want to feel depressed and suicidal, no more feeling of life is too much or that I will not be able to cope.

I have seen through what you are and that is nothing more than a devious liar, a monster whom the more you feed it the stronger it becomes. The bigger it gets the harder it is to defeat. However you can only have that power if I give you what you crave. Failure to do so means you have so little strength that all you can do is helplessly try and taunt me with how good a drink might taste or how I could just get away with having a couple, how no one would no.

For years you left me feeling like I couldn't do this, that life would be rubbish without you. That you were my one true friend when in reality you were nothing more than an abusive partner, filling me with fear and dread in the hope I wouldn't see through it all. Today I do not have that fear for I know different and I also realize that life is so much better without you around.

I'd like to thank you for the few good times we did have together, you helped me in my teenage years and sometimes built up my confidence even if it was only temporary. What you demanded in return is far more than I am prepared to give for you have won this battle. I no longer want you around and that is why we must part. I'm sure knowing what I know that you will find others to prey on but for me at least it is goodbye.

KK

Old Post 8

Originally written for New Year 2011 when I went to a party and was very proud that I came home and didn't drink.

I thought last night was going to be one of the hardest evenings so far, the sound of champagne corks popping and people spilling out into the street with joyous choruses of Auld Lang Syne ringing in my ears. Every new year has always been the night when everyone overdoes it and my behaviour seems strangely normal, I could start drinking quite early, carry it on in the pub or at a party, keep it going into the early hours and no one batted an eye lid. The only difference was when everyone else was still asleep until lunchtime, I was up early having a few sneaky drinks in the kitchen and if challenged about why I was still acting inebriated, I could just claim I was still drunk from the previous night as no one would ever seem to remember.

New Years Day was always lost under a tide of hangovers, junk food and trying to sleep it all off. If this is what normal people did all year and then just over did it over new year then great, my only issue was my party was carrying on for the next 364 days, at least in my head.

This year I chose not to drink. I had in previous years not wanted to but when it came down to it, instead of opting for sparkling water I set my sights on a bottle of single malt instead. This year I tried a sober new year for the first time since I was 14.

During the daytime I was torn as to whether to attend a party that myself and my wife had been invited to, my concern was in the face of temptation would I succumb. Maybe I would bide my time until others were drunk enough not to realise I was sneaking some vodka in with my coke.

My way of coping was to not avoid this social event but to still go but keep myself an option for leaving. This is what I did at around 11.00pm knowing that on my way home no Bargain Booze or corner shop would still be open. It was also the point at which I stopped enjoying it all and knew that there and then I had to leave.

My next concern was going so I made a polite point to my wife that I was going and to one or two others. I'm guessing here that by announcing it to more that it may have been accompanied by a chorus of just stay, at least until midnight. Maybe that is my negative thinking creeping in but it was not a risk I wanted to take.

What worked for me last night is knowing I hadn't let sobriety put me on a path to reclusiveness yet I hadn't allowed the alcoholism to win either. When I got home I entertained myself watching TV programmes from my sky+ and going to bed around 1.00am listening to some music and just allowing myself to feel happy that an event I thought would present many challenges I managed to handle.

I never get complacent over alcoholism and when I manage to not let it win but last night I allowed myself to look myself and the mirror and just say to myself well done. If that isn't starting 2012 off in the best possible way then I really do not know what is.

Old Post 7

Clearly written at a time where I was feeling pretty positive (I imagine a few days after another blow out)
 
Now i'm really wanting to move my life on but i'm still having a little wobble here and there but one thing I don't do is beat myself up with all of this and try and use it as a lesson learned. Thankfully I have not been in any terrible states nor has it made me ill or to avoid going to work.

What is puzzling me is I get the whole AA thing without any problem but how do I stop these one off events that threaten to try and derail me. Part of me knows I am one step away from full sobriety but it's just getting to that point and working out what it is that is stopping me.

I am admitting of my problem but one thing I overheard recently was that there is a huge gulf between admitting and accepting so maybe that is an area that I need to do some work on. I know I can not change the surroundings where I am at my weakest which is usually when I am on my own at home and my partner is at work, it would involve being baby sat 24/7 although the danger then is would I change my environment when the drink comes calling? And above all else why should I change my life just because of this without any cast iron guarantees for my future.

So i'm doing a lot of soul searching and inward looking but I know that with enough belief and determination then the answers will come in time.

Old Post 6

 Great how I was able to give advice to others when haven't stopped fully myself...


Something I was reading and commenting on last night inspired me to write this so if you are struggling to beat the drink then maybe you might find some comfort after reading this. I always used to believe life without a drink wouldn't be any fun, how could I possible go into a pub and order a soft drink, what would people think, it wasn't a man thing to do, all these nonsensical thoughts ran through my head and yet I never stopped to ask myself why was I even thinking this way at all.

It would extend into believing that the only way to relax after work was with a bottle of wine, I couldn't go out unless I'd had a couple of drinks first, Christmas and family gatherings could only be enjoyed after a few beverages and all the while drinking was chipping away at my way of thinking.

My arse!

So when it came to cutting down, what alcohol had done to me was made me think that I would not be able to do it as it had built associations between events and needing to drink. How could I go in a pub and not have a pint meant that my association with a pub was it was a place where I had to drink. How could I just come home after a shitty day in work and find I could relax with a cup of tea, relaxation was only found in a bottle of Merlot or Zinfandel.

When you accept that drink has changed how you think and it's drink that is making you think that way then it's time to challenge it. Breaking the link between what drink thinks and what you think was essential for me and has played a large part in my recovery. It's risky but it has helped me.

What I found happening was that drink made me feel like I couldn't have any fun sober when in all honesty nothing could be further from the truth. However it doesn't want you to feel that way as when you do it loses its grip, its control and its power over you. When I accepted people liked me for who I was and not what I could be after having a few or what I pretended to be (or thought that I needed to be) life became so much better. It also made me toughen up as instead of me trying to mould myself around what I thought people thought I should be or what society saw as cool, now I'm just me, like it or not. And if not, then so what, one thing I don't ever need to do is start changing myself. I am who I am and I don't need to change that for anyone but myself.

Not any more!

It has been a fascinating revelation and has opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking. Drink eroded by self esteem, my self belief and my ability to love myself and made me think that the only thing I had left was the comfort of a bottle. I see it now as a friend I should never have had, that lied to me, conned me, tried to change me and did everything possible to have a negative effect on my life. If a person behaved like that around you, would you still want them around?

As my mind clears away all the fog, the debris and the shit it's amazing to see these thoughts opening up and I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you.

Old Post 5

It's interesting to read what my thinking used to be like and in some ways it's admirable that I wanted to help others too.


The last few weeks I have been spending them trying to understand what alcoholism is to me, how it manifests and looking at ways to help combat it. I want to share some of this experience with you as maybe, just maybe it might help someone who is reading this.

The lunacy of this disease is that it causes me to do things that rationally I wouldn't usually do and that is the crux of the problem. Let me illustrate what I mean here. I finished work at lunchtime, I see a film at the cinema, I go to an AA meeting, I go home, have something to eat, unwind and go to bed. Simple enough plan you would think. What actually happened is I finished work at lunchtime, went to the cinema, got the bus home, stopped at Aldi, bought vodka and proceeded to get smashed. So somewhere in there was a loss of control and it's almost like a blind spot whereby when you are in that position the power of choice is taken away from you.

My way of moving this on is to look at when blind spots can occur and have methods set down to counter them. For those of you who read my updates will know my drinking became isolated and was only happening when it was just me alone in the house for a long period of time as that in my head was like party time and that is when it took over. To combat it I now make people aware of when it's just me as my drinking thinking doesn't want me to speak to people, it just wants me to be on my own as it knows that is when I am at my most vulnerable. If I am serious about this there is no way that single handedly I can do this so I make everyone aware that on that weekend I am alone in the house for four days and I could be vulnerable. In return I get out, do things, work more hours, spend time with people, basically anything but sit with myself for company and my thoughts of now, the past and how the future should be.

I also have to look after the basics, talk to people, spend time in their company, eat well and at regular times, sleep when I am tired, all the things that when I was drinking I seriously neglected. This disease can be held back even if it is never beaten but the determination to do it has to come from myself.

There is no denying I am an alchoholic but what it leaves behind is a person who is starting to learn all about the world again, knowing that my opinion of people I have previously met has either been formed when I was drunk or under a drinkers mentality of which mine was usually trust no one or don't say anything as they should make the first move and come and talk to you.

When the drinking haze lifts you do see the world very differently but learning things again can be just as exciting as it can be daunting, Yes I struggle with communication and starting conversation but how much of that is me and how much of that is my drinking side wanting me to not speak, believing that the possibility of starting a new friendship with someone will mean less time that I am on my own. That is why it fills my head with self doubt and that the person will be too busy or that I am encroaching on their personal space or that I won't know what to say so I will just sound stupid so I might as well just sit there and say nothing at all.

I for one am upto here with all the shit that drink has caused and this is where the fightback truly begins, enough really is enough this time around. It isn't going to fix itself and a lot of teh issues in life are my own or have been caused by me. So let them carry on or face them head on and do things in a different way.

There is a better life out there and this is where it begins.