Time to say goodbye

This was my original goodbye letter to the drink, written in summer of 2012 and even with the best intentions it didn't work. 


Dear Mr Alcohol

 I think the time has come that we both accept a parting of the ways. For years I believed that you were there to help me when in all honesty the complete opposite was true. You have caused me stress, anxiety, sickness, hangovers and a general feeling of self loathing. What I thought you were doing to make me feel better only served to make me feel even worse. I feel cheated by what I believed you were promising me and yet time and time again the results were accompanied by even more severe consequences.

You nearly lost me my job, the addiction drink created caused me to crave more and more at irresponsible times and at even more dangerous levels. That grip of addiction never once eased up and every scenario only became achievable with the glow that a drink once provided. The fiery warmth that alcohol once gave me was extinguished long ago only to be left with a hazy reminder of what once seemed so appealing.

I nearly lost my marriage as a result of you too for you changed my way of thinking. Where I was being warned and told of the dangers of what I was doing to myself, you changed my mindset and turned me against people. My defences came up as a result or I wouldn't talk or feel that I was being victimized or constantly criticized. You made me believe that they had the problem, not me.

From what you used to do to me, I laid in bed not wishing to wake up. I couldn't face the day ahead not knowing what I had done or said to people the night before, the blackouts became more frequent and for longer periods they lasted. My memory of many years of my life is distant for I can only recollect a few occasions or events. This is what you did to me and this is why I no longer want you around. I no longer want to feel depressed and suicidal, no more feeling of life is too much or that I will not be able to cope.

I have seen through what you are and that is nothing more than a devious liar, a monster whom the more you feed it the stronger it becomes. The bigger it gets the harder it is to defeat. However you can only have that power if I give you what you crave. Failure to do so means you have so little strength that all you can do is helplessly try and taunt me with how good a drink might taste or how I could just get away with having a couple, how no one would no.

For years you left me feeling like I couldn't do this, that life would be rubbish without you. That you were my one true friend when in reality you were nothing more than an abusive partner, filling me with fear and dread in the hope I wouldn't see through it all. Today I do not have that fear for I know different and I also realize that life is so much better without you around.

I'd like to thank you for the few good times we did have together, you helped me in my teenage years and sometimes built up my confidence even if it was only temporary. What you demanded in return is far more than I am prepared to give for you have won this battle. I no longer want you around and that is why we must part. I'm sure knowing what I know that you will find others to prey on but for me at least it is goodbye.

KK