Old Post 3

 So I actually started to like being me?


As a drinker I was always very good at being critical of others and the biggest person I aimed my criticisms at was frequently myself. Taking the drink away changes your perspective on so many things and this has been one of the biggest changes I have experienced.

Strangely enough, I might just actually like being me, it's not such an alien concept after all and it is OK to feel comfortable being yourself, for all your good and bad points. Life today is better than it has ever been and that's not with some sort of supermodel wife or millions in the bank, I can just have some peace in my own head and feel comfortable being a part of the world instead of always feeling like I don't fit in, why does it feel like I am the outsider, why is everyone else better than me. You know what, none of that shit really matters.

This week hasn't been easy but I also don't forget I have got through it all, been the adult in it all, kept my cool, not behaved irrationally and most importantly I haven't needed to drink just to get by or to calm myself down.

 

What you looking at?

 

As a result of that I can feel OK being me, you know if I had got pissed well then what happens. I get angry, I shout, I rant, I feel like the whole damned world is against me and the only way to escape it is to get totally obliterated. All because I can. Just to show you all. Fuck what you all think, I will do what I want. My life, my body, my choice, I will do what I want to do, not what you tell me to do. That is the drink talking because if I really looked deep inside of me, yes I did feel hurt, let down and angry but none of that justifies or most importantly requires alcohol to deal with, does it?

 

Do you like what you see?

 

This is what I am beginning to learn, one theory I hold is that it is worth distancing yourself from drink, as time goes by you see that you don't actually need it and can do without it and sometimes situations come along that are going to try and test your patience but the lesson I learned from all of this is how much better it is not to drink on the back of going through a hard time. The result? More proof that I do not need drink.

I can set the clock back to zero if I want to right now but that choice is mine, at the end of my drinking that choice wasn't mine as the drink had warped my thinking and reduced my desire to fight to virtually zero but thankfully there was just a little bit of fight left in me in order to beat this and that is what I did. Once the fight goes and you truly can not stop it then it is only a matter of time before death ensues.

Life doesn't have to be shit and when it is it's usually outside circumstances or individuals that make it that way. Looking back I had all of them and me making it shit too by drinking in the way that I did. Now I no longer have to deal with that fight, yes I still have things going wrong but I have less to deal with on a day to day basis than what I did when I was drinking so much.

If anyone is reading this and is struggling then I can not emphasize enough how much of a better life being sober is. Just throw yourself in, yes the water may look cold and dark and deep but you have an ability to swim, an ability to survive. Stay on the boat if you want and keep on drinking but you are only aboard a ship that is sinking anyway, at some point you will need to jump.

 

When I did that and made that plunge and swam to shore what I found was a life a million times better than anything I had before. My house is still standing, bills need to be paid, I still have to go to work, my wife still nags me but you know what, none of that really matters. What I have and what I feel as a result of not drinking is hard to explain but to be lifted from that dark past into where I am now, there can not be any going back.

This week it has been close to climbing back on board that booze cruise but even if I had I would still have to jump off again, why put myself through all that hassle, grief and upset or lying and hoping that no one realizes where I have been. Not drinking takes away all that pressure and what it leaves behind is such a peaceful, tranquil place you will wonder why you ever sailed away in the first place.