It's nice to be back

Just a quickie, I've condensed my old blog down to some of my better posts which have made for an interesting read from a now sober perspective. I'll come back to you in a bit with some more updates.

In the mean time, enjoy.

Time to say goodbye

This was my original goodbye letter to the drink, written in summer of 2012 and even with the best intentions it didn't work. 


Dear Mr Alcohol

 I think the time has come that we both accept a parting of the ways. For years I believed that you were there to help me when in all honesty the complete opposite was true. You have caused me stress, anxiety, sickness, hangovers and a general feeling of self loathing. What I thought you were doing to make me feel better only served to make me feel even worse. I feel cheated by what I believed you were promising me and yet time and time again the results were accompanied by even more severe consequences.

You nearly lost me my job, the addiction drink created caused me to crave more and more at irresponsible times and at even more dangerous levels. That grip of addiction never once eased up and every scenario only became achievable with the glow that a drink once provided. The fiery warmth that alcohol once gave me was extinguished long ago only to be left with a hazy reminder of what once seemed so appealing.

I nearly lost my marriage as a result of you too for you changed my way of thinking. Where I was being warned and told of the dangers of what I was doing to myself, you changed my mindset and turned me against people. My defences came up as a result or I wouldn't talk or feel that I was being victimized or constantly criticized. You made me believe that they had the problem, not me.

From what you used to do to me, I laid in bed not wishing to wake up. I couldn't face the day ahead not knowing what I had done or said to people the night before, the blackouts became more frequent and for longer periods they lasted. My memory of many years of my life is distant for I can only recollect a few occasions or events. This is what you did to me and this is why I no longer want you around. I no longer want to feel depressed and suicidal, no more feeling of life is too much or that I will not be able to cope.

I have seen through what you are and that is nothing more than a devious liar, a monster whom the more you feed it the stronger it becomes. The bigger it gets the harder it is to defeat. However you can only have that power if I give you what you crave. Failure to do so means you have so little strength that all you can do is helplessly try and taunt me with how good a drink might taste or how I could just get away with having a couple, how no one would no.

For years you left me feeling like I couldn't do this, that life would be rubbish without you. That you were my one true friend when in reality you were nothing more than an abusive partner, filling me with fear and dread in the hope I wouldn't see through it all. Today I do not have that fear for I know different and I also realize that life is so much better without you around.

I'd like to thank you for the few good times we did have together, you helped me in my teenage years and sometimes built up my confidence even if it was only temporary. What you demanded in return is far more than I am prepared to give for you have won this battle. I no longer want you around and that is why we must part. I'm sure knowing what I know that you will find others to prey on but for me at least it is goodbye.

KK

Old Post 8

Originally written for New Year 2011 when I went to a party and was very proud that I came home and didn't drink.

I thought last night was going to be one of the hardest evenings so far, the sound of champagne corks popping and people spilling out into the street with joyous choruses of Auld Lang Syne ringing in my ears. Every new year has always been the night when everyone overdoes it and my behaviour seems strangely normal, I could start drinking quite early, carry it on in the pub or at a party, keep it going into the early hours and no one batted an eye lid. The only difference was when everyone else was still asleep until lunchtime, I was up early having a few sneaky drinks in the kitchen and if challenged about why I was still acting inebriated, I could just claim I was still drunk from the previous night as no one would ever seem to remember.

New Years Day was always lost under a tide of hangovers, junk food and trying to sleep it all off. If this is what normal people did all year and then just over did it over new year then great, my only issue was my party was carrying on for the next 364 days, at least in my head.

This year I chose not to drink. I had in previous years not wanted to but when it came down to it, instead of opting for sparkling water I set my sights on a bottle of single malt instead. This year I tried a sober new year for the first time since I was 14.

During the daytime I was torn as to whether to attend a party that myself and my wife had been invited to, my concern was in the face of temptation would I succumb. Maybe I would bide my time until others were drunk enough not to realise I was sneaking some vodka in with my coke.

My way of coping was to not avoid this social event but to still go but keep myself an option for leaving. This is what I did at around 11.00pm knowing that on my way home no Bargain Booze or corner shop would still be open. It was also the point at which I stopped enjoying it all and knew that there and then I had to leave.

My next concern was going so I made a polite point to my wife that I was going and to one or two others. I'm guessing here that by announcing it to more that it may have been accompanied by a chorus of just stay, at least until midnight. Maybe that is my negative thinking creeping in but it was not a risk I wanted to take.

What worked for me last night is knowing I hadn't let sobriety put me on a path to reclusiveness yet I hadn't allowed the alcoholism to win either. When I got home I entertained myself watching TV programmes from my sky+ and going to bed around 1.00am listening to some music and just allowing myself to feel happy that an event I thought would present many challenges I managed to handle.

I never get complacent over alcoholism and when I manage to not let it win but last night I allowed myself to look myself and the mirror and just say to myself well done. If that isn't starting 2012 off in the best possible way then I really do not know what is.

Old Post 7

Clearly written at a time where I was feeling pretty positive (I imagine a few days after another blow out)
 
Now i'm really wanting to move my life on but i'm still having a little wobble here and there but one thing I don't do is beat myself up with all of this and try and use it as a lesson learned. Thankfully I have not been in any terrible states nor has it made me ill or to avoid going to work.

What is puzzling me is I get the whole AA thing without any problem but how do I stop these one off events that threaten to try and derail me. Part of me knows I am one step away from full sobriety but it's just getting to that point and working out what it is that is stopping me.

I am admitting of my problem but one thing I overheard recently was that there is a huge gulf between admitting and accepting so maybe that is an area that I need to do some work on. I know I can not change the surroundings where I am at my weakest which is usually when I am on my own at home and my partner is at work, it would involve being baby sat 24/7 although the danger then is would I change my environment when the drink comes calling? And above all else why should I change my life just because of this without any cast iron guarantees for my future.

So i'm doing a lot of soul searching and inward looking but I know that with enough belief and determination then the answers will come in time.

Old Post 6

 Great how I was able to give advice to others when haven't stopped fully myself...


Something I was reading and commenting on last night inspired me to write this so if you are struggling to beat the drink then maybe you might find some comfort after reading this. I always used to believe life without a drink wouldn't be any fun, how could I possible go into a pub and order a soft drink, what would people think, it wasn't a man thing to do, all these nonsensical thoughts ran through my head and yet I never stopped to ask myself why was I even thinking this way at all.

It would extend into believing that the only way to relax after work was with a bottle of wine, I couldn't go out unless I'd had a couple of drinks first, Christmas and family gatherings could only be enjoyed after a few beverages and all the while drinking was chipping away at my way of thinking.

My arse!

So when it came to cutting down, what alcohol had done to me was made me think that I would not be able to do it as it had built associations between events and needing to drink. How could I go in a pub and not have a pint meant that my association with a pub was it was a place where I had to drink. How could I just come home after a shitty day in work and find I could relax with a cup of tea, relaxation was only found in a bottle of Merlot or Zinfandel.

When you accept that drink has changed how you think and it's drink that is making you think that way then it's time to challenge it. Breaking the link between what drink thinks and what you think was essential for me and has played a large part in my recovery. It's risky but it has helped me.

What I found happening was that drink made me feel like I couldn't have any fun sober when in all honesty nothing could be further from the truth. However it doesn't want you to feel that way as when you do it loses its grip, its control and its power over you. When I accepted people liked me for who I was and not what I could be after having a few or what I pretended to be (or thought that I needed to be) life became so much better. It also made me toughen up as instead of me trying to mould myself around what I thought people thought I should be or what society saw as cool, now I'm just me, like it or not. And if not, then so what, one thing I don't ever need to do is start changing myself. I am who I am and I don't need to change that for anyone but myself.

Not any more!

It has been a fascinating revelation and has opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking. Drink eroded by self esteem, my self belief and my ability to love myself and made me think that the only thing I had left was the comfort of a bottle. I see it now as a friend I should never have had, that lied to me, conned me, tried to change me and did everything possible to have a negative effect on my life. If a person behaved like that around you, would you still want them around?

As my mind clears away all the fog, the debris and the shit it's amazing to see these thoughts opening up and I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you.

Old Post 5

It's interesting to read what my thinking used to be like and in some ways it's admirable that I wanted to help others too.


The last few weeks I have been spending them trying to understand what alcoholism is to me, how it manifests and looking at ways to help combat it. I want to share some of this experience with you as maybe, just maybe it might help someone who is reading this.

The lunacy of this disease is that it causes me to do things that rationally I wouldn't usually do and that is the crux of the problem. Let me illustrate what I mean here. I finished work at lunchtime, I see a film at the cinema, I go to an AA meeting, I go home, have something to eat, unwind and go to bed. Simple enough plan you would think. What actually happened is I finished work at lunchtime, went to the cinema, got the bus home, stopped at Aldi, bought vodka and proceeded to get smashed. So somewhere in there was a loss of control and it's almost like a blind spot whereby when you are in that position the power of choice is taken away from you.

My way of moving this on is to look at when blind spots can occur and have methods set down to counter them. For those of you who read my updates will know my drinking became isolated and was only happening when it was just me alone in the house for a long period of time as that in my head was like party time and that is when it took over. To combat it I now make people aware of when it's just me as my drinking thinking doesn't want me to speak to people, it just wants me to be on my own as it knows that is when I am at my most vulnerable. If I am serious about this there is no way that single handedly I can do this so I make everyone aware that on that weekend I am alone in the house for four days and I could be vulnerable. In return I get out, do things, work more hours, spend time with people, basically anything but sit with myself for company and my thoughts of now, the past and how the future should be.

I also have to look after the basics, talk to people, spend time in their company, eat well and at regular times, sleep when I am tired, all the things that when I was drinking I seriously neglected. This disease can be held back even if it is never beaten but the determination to do it has to come from myself.

There is no denying I am an alchoholic but what it leaves behind is a person who is starting to learn all about the world again, knowing that my opinion of people I have previously met has either been formed when I was drunk or under a drinkers mentality of which mine was usually trust no one or don't say anything as they should make the first move and come and talk to you.

When the drinking haze lifts you do see the world very differently but learning things again can be just as exciting as it can be daunting, Yes I struggle with communication and starting conversation but how much of that is me and how much of that is my drinking side wanting me to not speak, believing that the possibility of starting a new friendship with someone will mean less time that I am on my own. That is why it fills my head with self doubt and that the person will be too busy or that I am encroaching on their personal space or that I won't know what to say so I will just sound stupid so I might as well just sit there and say nothing at all.

I for one am upto here with all the shit that drink has caused and this is where the fightback truly begins, enough really is enough this time around. It isn't going to fix itself and a lot of teh issues in life are my own or have been caused by me. So let them carry on or face them head on and do things in a different way.

There is a better life out there and this is where it begins.

Old Post 4

So a year... I'm guessing this post dates to around October 2012 then


I was thinking this week it has been a year since it hit me how serious my drinking issues were becoming and how much in that year things have changed. It is easy not to see the progression that is made when you first stop and can sometimes be hindered by any failures or slip ups that you have during that time. My worst period was around mid October last year but the realization of how serious this may be was this time last year.

It took being practically pushed through the door of an AA meeting before something hit me that there may be something seriously wrong but I have to admit I really hated it. I went back and back again and built up some sobriety but it didn't quite click with me, here was I still with a job and home and everything else, just that my drinking was getting to be at every opportunity I was alone and able to get away with it.

The time I was taking off work was becoming more frequent and I was also pushing the boundaries of being able to go into work, not through still being under the influence by any means but the fact that I hadn't slept well, was nursing a huge hangover and felt like shit.

I have now got over seven months without any absence related to drinking which is a great basis upon which to build, it is amazing how you just let days and weeks pass buy and then sometimes you look back and think wow, it's like climbing a mountain, the views get better as you go upwards but so does the satisfaction too.

This has been by no means an easy ride but I am so glad I called time on my drinking when I did. As a result of that I got married, been on honeymoon, no longer have letters of debt recovery, don't have any credit cards and for the last few months I have had money in my bank before I next get paid. I even have a small amount in a savings account. It is these steps of progression that make it all worthwhile, if you are just starting out or don't see what a drink free life can offer believe me when I say it is a million times better than anything I had beforehand.

There is still a lot to do and that voice of temptation is never that far away, usually waiting for when I am alone for a long period of time. What I find I have to do is get out to meetings or be around people and when I am left alone for any length of time is when the worst things happen again.

Finally I will never be a person that says "I have got x amount of sobriety" as I do not see this as a contest nor do I have any goals or aspirations. All I want is a life that is happy and contented and that I can wake up each day and just feel ok being me. Taking the drink out of the equation helps that along.

Old Post 3

 So I actually started to like being me?


As a drinker I was always very good at being critical of others and the biggest person I aimed my criticisms at was frequently myself. Taking the drink away changes your perspective on so many things and this has been one of the biggest changes I have experienced.

Strangely enough, I might just actually like being me, it's not such an alien concept after all and it is OK to feel comfortable being yourself, for all your good and bad points. Life today is better than it has ever been and that's not with some sort of supermodel wife or millions in the bank, I can just have some peace in my own head and feel comfortable being a part of the world instead of always feeling like I don't fit in, why does it feel like I am the outsider, why is everyone else better than me. You know what, none of that shit really matters.

This week hasn't been easy but I also don't forget I have got through it all, been the adult in it all, kept my cool, not behaved irrationally and most importantly I haven't needed to drink just to get by or to calm myself down.

 

What you looking at?

 

As a result of that I can feel OK being me, you know if I had got pissed well then what happens. I get angry, I shout, I rant, I feel like the whole damned world is against me and the only way to escape it is to get totally obliterated. All because I can. Just to show you all. Fuck what you all think, I will do what I want. My life, my body, my choice, I will do what I want to do, not what you tell me to do. That is the drink talking because if I really looked deep inside of me, yes I did feel hurt, let down and angry but none of that justifies or most importantly requires alcohol to deal with, does it?

 

Do you like what you see?

 

This is what I am beginning to learn, one theory I hold is that it is worth distancing yourself from drink, as time goes by you see that you don't actually need it and can do without it and sometimes situations come along that are going to try and test your patience but the lesson I learned from all of this is how much better it is not to drink on the back of going through a hard time. The result? More proof that I do not need drink.

I can set the clock back to zero if I want to right now but that choice is mine, at the end of my drinking that choice wasn't mine as the drink had warped my thinking and reduced my desire to fight to virtually zero but thankfully there was just a little bit of fight left in me in order to beat this and that is what I did. Once the fight goes and you truly can not stop it then it is only a matter of time before death ensues.

Life doesn't have to be shit and when it is it's usually outside circumstances or individuals that make it that way. Looking back I had all of them and me making it shit too by drinking in the way that I did. Now I no longer have to deal with that fight, yes I still have things going wrong but I have less to deal with on a day to day basis than what I did when I was drinking so much.

If anyone is reading this and is struggling then I can not emphasize enough how much of a better life being sober is. Just throw yourself in, yes the water may look cold and dark and deep but you have an ability to swim, an ability to survive. Stay on the boat if you want and keep on drinking but you are only aboard a ship that is sinking anyway, at some point you will need to jump.

 

When I did that and made that plunge and swam to shore what I found was a life a million times better than anything I had before. My house is still standing, bills need to be paid, I still have to go to work, my wife still nags me but you know what, none of that really matters. What I have and what I feel as a result of not drinking is hard to explain but to be lifted from that dark past into where I am now, there can not be any going back.

This week it has been close to climbing back on board that booze cruise but even if I had I would still have to jump off again, why put myself through all that hassle, grief and upset or lying and hoping that no one realizes where I have been. Not drinking takes away all that pressure and what it leaves behind is such a peaceful, tranquil place you will wonder why you ever sailed away in the first place.

Old Post 2

Ooooh how not to be selfish - if only I'd listened to my own advice eh?
 

After a little break I'm back again with a few more words of wisdom and this time it's about the alcoholism and how it has affected my interactions with other people. At the moment there are times when I feel I am relearning life over again, learning how sobriety is and how a "normal" person would react. At the height of my drinking everything became a crises or a drama and I really struggled to take on board how other people were feeling.

Every day was a bloody drama!

I understand why this was the case and I don't beat myself up over that too much, I was a very sick and ill person mentally and the notion of thinking of someone else first was totally alien to me. If I got shouted at for being selfish I could do it for a while but as a natural course of action it was an absolute no no. All my decisions were based around what was best for me and the rest of the world had to slot in around me and if that didn't happen then I started to feel sorry for myself.

The toys were long since thrown out of the pram

It is nice to be able to give something back and the rewards for that are fantastic. Since changing my attitudes life has become immeasurably better, little things happen that might not seem so much but to me they really do matter. Even when things have not always gone the way I wanted them to, being accepting of that fact has usually resulted in a much better outcome.


Part of me writing this blog is to look back and reflect on how life used to be and to just compare it against how it is now. I have done my drinking story so I try and keep my new updates about how I am feeling at a certain time or what is working for me. Whilst looking back I can see how simple things like me choosing the TV channel or deciding what to make for dinner, it was always about what I wanted. If my other half was out at a party and she wasn't back when she said she was going to be I would be ringing and ringing her phone, getting progressively more angry when I didn't get an answer. Then I would be thinking well what a selfish cow she is, why did I even get with her, how dare she treat me this way, I'm going to find someone else, I can do better... One petty resentment after another building up and building up and when I look back now I just think well what a wanker I was at times.

"I like getting pissed by two, what about you..."

This is definitely a work in progress and I still get things wrong but I'm not afraid or ashamed of that fact but I use it to learn about others and to learn about how and why I acted in a certain way. These days I am not afraid to say sorry and to really mean it instead of just saying it to get myself out of the shit. So long as I jeep trying I will get results and when my interactions with others still veer towards the selfish side then I at least know that I am trying my hardest and know what it means to make a respected apology.

I perfected that look

Putting down the drink has been a challenge but this is where a lot of work commences, my decisions were always influenced by drink or a drunken state so I have become used to wanting and frequently getting my own way. What is happening here is about learning to think of other people first and that their own needs and demands are just as important as my own.

Different but just as important

Today is also one month of no drinking!

Old Post 1

I'm not sure where this originates from but it's a bit of a ramble 


 
It was back again tonight with a vengeance, knowing I'm home alone tomorrow as soon as I step foot inside a shop the whisperings begin of just go buy some, no one will ever need to know. Now I know for many this is a hard thing to get past, it was with me as it felt like I couldn't stop myself but now I just disregard those feelings and if you still have this ability to do this then try it, go home and see how it leaves you feeling. By the worst part of my drinking I couldn't do this but there was a time when I could and just didn't but my advice to anyone is walk away from it all if you still can as there may come a day when that choice is no longer yours.

Walk away while you still can!

I'm still here and still sober but it does go to show that this little demon never dies or sleeps, it just snoozes and the slightest sniff of temptation and opportunity then it wakens up again. The worst thing I can do is give it what it wants as it has no power until I give it alcohol which in turn gives it some of its power back again. Keep feeding it, even in small sensible quantities and I will be back on my arse again.

Today I feel lovely and to just walk away from that scenario lifts me up and just restores in me a lot of self confidence and respect. I never want to throw away where I have got to and I never want to go back to those days of lying, deceit, feeling ill, guilty and hating myself. Today I do not feel that way and that is just so magical.

Harry says "Put It Down!"

I was also thinking if you waved serious money at me at the cost of my sobriety then I would tell you to keep your money. All that would happen is I would be wealthy briefly only to lose everything around me and the money would just speed up how quickly I die. Why oh why would I ever want to do that again.

You too can become like me

I'm learning so much in recovery, the stopping drinking is just a part of it but discovering me and what makes me tick and the person that I am is a great journey.

Thanks and good night.

My story

This was one of the first things I ever wrote and kind of relates my story to you all so I hope you get something from it. I will try and do an update from where this ends to where I am now at a later point.



Before I start I will tell you a little about how I intend to write this story. My style of writing interjects seriousness with quite a bit of sarcasm and humour with much of it aimed back at my previous behaviours. Please do not feel that I am taking anything away about how serious an issue my drinking had become and the effect it had on me and those around me as that is not my intention.


I do not want this to read like a tragedy that somehow had a positive ending, a tale of unhappiness that was pulled back from the brink. That's not to say I haven't been to some really dark places along the way as I have but a method I have of coping is being able to look back on the past with a knowing smile that by keeping on doing what I do now I never have to go back there.


By writing this i'm opening up and sharing more than I have ever done with anyone else but I find writing down how I feel much easier than saying it and sharing it openly. So in a way this is a release for me also but I also have inside me a desire to relay my past to the world. I can't explain why but something inside me keeps pushing me to put down into words exactly how I feel.


I hope that by reading this, if you have been affected by alcoholism or if you are reading this on behalf of a person you care about and pass even just a part of this on that this has been a worthwhile exercise.


Enough waffle and self doubt, on with the story






Where better to start than at the beginning eh? Question is how does relating back to such a young age tie in with my alcoholism at the age of thirty five. Well I always remember being sent to stay with an auntie of mine when I was around seven or eight, by this time my mother had got married, my father lived elsewhere and hadn't played a large role in my life for whatever reason. Anyway after my mother had married this person with their own children, at a weekend I used to spend it at my aunties. Here was an escape from the weekday scenario of trying to fit in and yet never really feeling a part of that family but never speaking up and saying so. Remember that phrase "children should be seen and not heard" well it is something I feel quite strongly against and it felt then as it still does now I was just expected to slot in to new surroundings in a new part of town, new school and new family. Everything about it all felt so weird and I would never have wanted to change what we had up until that point. So spending my weekends at my aunties in an area where I used to live was therapeutic for me. It was however my first taste of drink.

Can you even buy this any more?

The only time her drinks cabinet got opened was for a couple on Christmas day or one for the vicar should he call round. Maybe as a problem drinker I missed my calling in life and should have found the church, studied and enjoyed a life of free sherry and port as dished out by lovely old ladies. I can still picture the living room now, the left hand side of a glass fronted cabinet contained advocaat, White Horse whiskey and a bottle of Croft sherry. And as she made my dinner I would cheekily have a taste and yet didn't find it at all repulsive nor did it make me feel ill.

Drink!

At that age I didn't have the impulse to keep going back but I did take advantage of the fact that I was trusted and could be left on my own. This occasional tastings went on until my teenage years and by the age of 14 that is when I developed a real taste for drink and the effects it had on me.


I was very quiet in school, a good learner and keen and enthusiastic, scoring well on reports but a 2B was my usual average score, it was rare I excelled in anything probably with the exception of history and English language. It would also be fair to say I was bullied, not because we had a poor family as the person my mother married was in steady employment but that income had to go between feeding us all including providing for two other children from an earlier relationship. I would say it was more down to the fact I didn't fit in, the quiet kid who didn't retaliate and very rarely hit back. I used to try and keep away at break times, if the library was open I would stay in there as it was under the watchful eye of a teacher.


As I got to the last two years of school I developed a good circle of friends. Our socialising usually consisted of going to someones house, watching WWF wrestling on Sky, playing role-playing games and drinking beer, usually anything from a mid strength lager to real ales and home brews. I always felt as though I wanted to be the first to finish, how quickly could I get through it, wouldn't it be impressive that here I was, look at how much I can handle. I don't know whether people ever thought that about me and never will, that was just the pattern of how I started on the road to alcoholism.


When the weather was good we would spend it playing football in the park. after the game someone would have brought a few beers or we would try and chance it at a nearby Airies off licence though never at Spar as they asked everyone for ID. Deciding to pool together our funds, we would buy 20/20, Martini or Thunderbirds or see what cider was on offer, if it had the word White in the label you were usually onto a winner.

A particular favourite of mine

First time of drinking anything other than beer was when I used to get sick from my drinking, or even worse when the beer had gone and we opened up some sickly sweet stuff in a bottle and passed it round. One bad episode when I was 15 included buying a case of beer from a friend who illegally worked in an off licence and ploughing through this case. I have no recollection of that night, I was told I was stopping cars on a dual carriageway so I could get my friends across the road, I sat on a wall and fell off it backwards and then falling into my house and vomiting in the porch. I laid low for around a week after that, it was only when people called round that I dared to show my face again. Yet I laughed it off and never thought twice about carrying on.





At 18 I got left an inheritance from the auntie whom I had spent my weekends with as a youngster yet over two years I spent it on new electrical equipment for my bedroom, travelling, time away and I can't remember what else. It also became the age when I could drink as much as I wanted and so took several giant strides downhill. I was also working in the retail sector at this point, initially just as a part time job but then full time work came my way so I opted for that.


I often wonder should I have gone to university, part of me thinks I would have done well but then again would I have just used the freedom to drink in between studying? I will never know the answer to this but I also know that I can always revisit the idea of studying again should I ever want to do so.


I still lived at home until the age of 21 but my full time hours coupled with a reasonable wage and no outgoings meant that I could spend my time going out. It allowed me my first real taste of nightclubs, pubs, nights out and meeting people, it allowed me to sit at home with a bottle of wine or if it was a few days before payday, a £1.29 bottle of cider. Nights out usually meant I spent my money on drinks and would walk back the three miles on my own at 2.00am. Looking back now this was an early demonstration of how my drinking caused me to have reckless thinking, I should never have put my safety at risk by doing that. I would also drink when I wasn't well, if I was on medications and I discovered that hot blackcurrant, honey, lemon and dark rum was a cure for so many ailments. So good it was that I carried on taking it even after I felt better.

Mine never looked like that and usually went in a pint glass

This was how my drinking went underground, I wouldn't say my mother didn't know or that she didn't care. What she would see is me having a glass of wine or two but not knowing about what I had kept hidden upstairs for later.


Throughout all of this I never thought anything was wrong, people I was seeing never commented on my drinking but my relationships used to switch between people who lived in the same town as me or longer distances whereby the me they saw for a couple of days was not always how I behaved when I was alone. I would frequently cheat on people and one relationship wouldn't come to an end until I had securely started a new one, that's how much of an uncaring bastard I had become. Drink made me feel superb, on a night out I thought I was something and someone, I'd start up conversations, chat to DJs, flirt and you would even find me on the dance floor. These days it is rare that I dance as my dancing skills are similar to that famous robot dance that Peter Crouch used to perform. That is why I stay firmly grounded!

Seriously!

Looking back now, how I see it is that I thought I was just behaving like everyone else. Here I was after escaping an unhappy childhood, this person who loved going out, showing off and trying to impress. I will never know why I tried to behave that way but one thing that sobriety teaches me is just to be me and try and feel comfortable being that way.


By the age of 23 I had moved out of home twice, the first time was unsuccessful and I had to cut my losses and move back home. Whilst away I still wanted to drink and to go out despite not working, having no income and not paying any bills. I even sold everything I owned to keep on financing my life and three months down the line when I had nothing left I packed my belongings and moved back home. The second attempt was more of a success, I had been dating a girl for around 18 months and she lived in a different town. In between seeing her I also started seeing my ex partner and as we both had Internet access frequently conducted our conversations over MSN messenger service. This I believe is preset to retain previous conversations and one particularly graphic one detailed how much I loved cheating on my current partner with my ex and how I would love to see how upset she would be if we got caught. The next time my then partner stayed whilst I was at work she went on my computer and found this conversation and finding drink in my room she took an overdose of pills and booze. My mother found her lying in her own sick and called me in work to go to the hospital. To this day she never told her parents the truth, she claimed that as she was prescribed anti-depressants she felt really down that day hence why she did what she did. Even now I live with that guilt and the thoughts of what if she had succeeded, how would I feel, would I have joined her, would I have told people the truth. I can still see the note she left and remember the scrawled words "it's not your fault, I don't blame you". She had also switched off the computer. Her parents invited me to stay with her then hence that became my second move away from home and I was a guest of their generous hospitality for well over a year.


Her plans were to go to university the following summer and yet over the year I lived there we never saved anything, always working on the basis of I will save some next month, everything was always I will do it later. This is where I became terrible with money and budgeting and something that only now have I worked on improving. I also spent time going home to see my family or friends and yet what I was doing was still going back to see my ex who was putting pressure on me did I really want to get back with her. The idea of being wanted and adored by the opposite sex is all well and fine to a point but it was creating me stress as I wanted the best of both worlds. One night I spoke to my ex on the phone and she was saying how she wanted to know and after having a few post-work drinks I snapped back, told her that I hated her and wished that she was like her dad. Dead.


My drinking whilst I was away from home was never excessive nor did it cause problems, prior to moving I would have four bottles of beer for a three hour train journey, then we would spend the night in a pub. Around this time Wetherspoons was first launching so a cheap watering hole was just perfect. Whilst I lived with her it would be a few beers here and there or we would share some wine but I still stayed away from spirits or certainly not to the point that I would later come to consume that at.

How I used to love this place

That summer we moved to where she came to study so that completed my move to Manchester where I have stayed since. Everything in that house of any value was purchased by her parents and financially I bought token gestures like plates, glasses, cutlery, basically the bare minimum. Without the generosity of her parents we would have been on a bare floor but at least we would have had plenty in to drink!

I found my time with this person difficult as she had a form of depression which came with really wild fluctuations of mood. It did mean my behaviours went un-noticed including my drinking. After scoring a well paid full time job the floodgates opened and there was no longer any Smart Price vodka, only the finest Smirnoff Black or Grey Goose. The good times had well and truly returned. I was entrusted with a joint bank account and her student loan payments, money from her parents, wages etc all came to me where I was entrusted to pay the bills. With the money coming in and such a cheap rent this should never have been an issue but what mattered more at that point was drink, drink, drink. There were times the letting agency would call round for missed rent payments, I had my first Council Tax summons which I narrowly managed to avoid getting to after making arrangements to pay it and yet at no point in this did alarm bells ring about the only thing I seemed to care about was making sure we had a house full of booze. 

No expense spared at £25 a bottle!

In many ways I abused this situation and never seemed to learn from past mistakes, I had a well paid job with extra money coming in from her and if I miss a bill I will just pay it next month or get her to ring her parents and ask them for an advance. Overdrafts got racked up without a second thought and even today it still sits at a level higher than I would like it to be.


At 26 this relationship came to an end, I was finding her hard to live with, she was struggling to maintain normality in life with her mental illness and we went our separate ways that summer. We had started to drift apart for most of that year and we had held an open relationship and I formed a friendship with the person that later became my wife. It was a messy end to a relationship that I truly used and abused for my own selfish ends and I tried to hold onto it whilst developing a new relationship for as long as I could. There were times I may as well not have had a front door but invested in a turnstile instead.

Next!

In 2002 my reckless lifestyle was still continuing, credit cards were acquired and I treated myself to a little holiday in Majorca, just me catching a few glorious rays and enjoying the Spanish hospitality and lifestyle. In all honesty my jaunt to the sun was nothing more than me living it up in a lifestyle that I could not honestly afford, as I was sunning it my landlord was calling wanting to know where the rent was. Little did I care as I was enjoying pints of vodka with red bull at two for five euros and living it up in my millionaire lifestyle. On that holiday I felt so lonely and despite leaving behind my worries and debts for a few days all I could feel inside was solitude which was kept away by a steady flow of booze. My last day in Palma Nova was spent loading my suitcase up with cheap alcohol, local liquors, cheap vodka and gin in those handy plastic bottles and bottles of Stroh rum and black absinthe. In total I filled a case with around 25 different bottles and to this day I will never understand how I got them all back home. Those bottles then took pride of place in my flat and became my cocktail cabinet, I even bought a cocktail shaker to look the part. How very cultured!

You've got nowt on me sunshine

The following Christmas it first struck me that maybe I was drinking too much after several months of arguing with my partner. In my head it just felt that I was being nagged; after all she smoked, went out on nights out, drank and ended up in some unfit states so why should I not be allowed to drink, who was she to take away my fun and my way to unwind. All those nights of going to the pub, coming home and making myself a nice Long Island Iced Tea (I loved that due to its strength!) I really didn't want to give it up but a small part of me knew even then that maybe I did have too much, or too often. On Christmas Eve all the booze in the flat got ditched as I demonstrated to my partner how resolved I was to cut booze out of my life. On Christmas Day at a family dinner I supped fruit juice but before the queen was even on the TV I was back having a beer figuring out that a couple won't do me any harm. And so the spiral continued, beer, wine and then back to the spirits.

This pattern reciprocated itself for several years and in 2004 I obtained a copy of Alan Carrs book(no, not the comedian though that would have been an interesting read) How To Control Your Drinking. Here in black and white was a guide to the danger of drink and how to change my opinion of alcohol. I managed three hellish months without drinking and became very much anti-drinking, if I couldn't have it then no one should. That spring we took a break in Venice and as I sat down to enjoy my pasta carbonara I devoured a really nice glass of Italian red without even a second thought. On the way back to the hotel we stopped at a shop, obtained more beer and so it all began again.

This for several years was the pattern of my drinking but I then began to seek ways for an easy life and this is where the lying and dishonesty started to rear its ugly head. Convinced that I can drink when I want without being lectured I continued to do so but the transition started from going out drinking or bringing home a bottle of wine to waiting when my partner was out at work. A long day of being left alone or her on a night out equated to party time for me, at this point I didn't have to lie about everything drink related but the dishonesty had come to the fore. When challenged I would claim I had only had a bottle of wine when in all honesty it was probably two, if I appeared intoxicated in a way that more than a bottle of wine would cause then I would just excuse it through being tired or not eating or blame the fact it was a strong percentage. One of my best lies was how I loved wines from South America or Australia, in all honesty I knew frig all about wine but I did know that wines from this country tended to clock in around 13-14% abv which was considerably less than something from Spain, Italy or France.

Fruity, plummy notes

The same excuses carried on into the world of beer, here I was developing my love of real ales, winter ales especially or Belgian beers, always seeking out what that 9% ale must taste like then professing my love for it. At no point did I distinguish hoppy aromas, all I was bothered about was how quickly it got me pissed and the effects it was having.

...as voted for by me

As I look back with a clearer head I can also see the damage it was causing to me, in my situation it wasn't making me a more sociablke person but it was having a damaging effect on my nerves, anxieties and my self esteem. As an example I could go to a party and I would sit there quietly on my own which I felt uncomfortable doing. I couldn't strike up conversations and would only talk when people spoke to me. I would have people come to me and ask if I was feeling ok but yet as soon as I had a couple of drinks the switch from social outcast to party animal was unreal. All the barriers got ripped down after a few, strangers became friends, anxieties melted away and so the damaging link became ingrained in me that to enjoy company I could only do so comfortably after a few drinks. It also created a situation whereby I found being around strangers more difficult and my anxieties began to worsen.


At my worst I would cross the street when I saw people I knew approaching, I would pretend to be on my phone, I wouldn't want to stop and make conversation when I had no escape route so a polite smile and hello was usually enough to get me out of that scenario on a frequent basis.

Hello. Yeah? Leave me alone!

When I was at home I never answered the house phone unless it was a number that I knew, it could have been a life or death emergency and I would never have known. It didn't help that my past debts were creeping up on me and if burying my head in the sand was an olympic sport then I would surely be the gold medalist.

One of the most daunting experiences was when someone was at the door. If I was off work and drinking that day I would not let anyone see me, I would leave the blinds and curtains closed and I avoided everyone. If it was the postman with a parcel i'd rather it went back to the sorting office, no matter who it was I would stand behind my front door so I was out of view or stay upstairs until they had gone. I even avoided our window cleaners seeing me or knocking on for their £4.00 that's how bad it was getting.


In my mind I never saw the correlation between drinking and the emotional damage it was causing, I just thought I had anxiety issues, social phobias and I even thought that at some point I may have been on the autistic spectrum.


In 2009 I went to see my doctors about seeking counselling for my fears and I was offered that help. It felt good to open up about my past and to understand. Both my doctor and counsellor asked me about my drinking consumption but as was always the case I lied. I'm not sure why I did that apart from the fact I didn't want my GP telling me to calm it down so I always ensured that I stayed within my weekly unit allowance except for special occasions when I overindulged. What counselling helped me to do was to break down some barriers about myself and about others and whilst the drinking was still clearly having an effect on some parts of me, it did help me to distance myself from events in my past. It also taught me not to shut out people close to me and to try and be more open about how I feel. I would not say it was a waste of time but for all the good it was doing, the drinking was undoing more of me mentally and emotionally.

So tell me all about it

2009 was a year of more disagreements but also a year of a constant battle. This was my year of only drinking beer, I would keep a case in the fridge and just have a couple but still the dishonesty continued, if I drank six cans I would go out to the shop before my partner got home, buy a couple, replace them and tell her I only had four. Wine would be I would claim I only had one bottle and leave the one bottle I claimed I had on the side. On the rare occasions I had spirits in, a half bottle of gin would last ages, as I went into the kitchen for a top up it would be a small measurement for the glass with lots of tonic but a swig from the bottle for me. My love of clear spirits probably emanated from the fact I could top it up with tap water to make it look like I had consumed less than what I really had. Then the next time I was alone I would just swap the bottle of water for the bottle of spirits and no one would ever know. It was also around this time the hiding of drink started to happen so that I always had some in no matter what.


By the end of the year my drinking battle was still ongoing, start, stop, leave it a few days, only drink in the pub, don't have it in the house, buy a case of beer but it lasts two weeks etc anything I could do to try and calm it down. Some weeks were better than others but in my head I could justify my drinking. Social events = drink. Shit day in work = drink. Pay Day = drink. Bad news = drink. Family arguments = drink. 


I went back to my doctors with a resolve that I needed help and guidance to cut it down or even at this time I was thinking to just try and cut it out. My doctor referred me onto ADS who work with local health authorities and offer help and counselling to people with addictions. I had a lovely counsellor who went through the dangers of drink with me, how drinking spirits neat is more damaging than a mixer, the damage it causes to the body, what can be repaired and what can't etc. By the end of it all I was very clued up on the dangers of drinking but not the most important part of all and that was how to stop. A few sessions in it was decided I was a social problem drinker, when I consumed I took in too much but that I wasn't an alcoholic nor did I have an addiction to drink. This was just the news I wanted to hear, I could walk out of there with my head held high, all I needed to do was to cut it down.

Advice included weekends only, not at home, alternate with soft drinks, set a limit, only go out with a certain sum of money, a whole raft of ideas that would somehow help me "control" my drinking. I could go home, have a few beers safely knowing that so long as I didn't do it life would be just hunky dory. I kept my drink diary as i was asked and put in just enough to make it seem believable but not too much to cause a problem. What people didn't know outside of that wouldn't hurt them and anyway no one is perfect, if I over consume one day I just won't let it happen again. Keep it sensible and everything will be okay.


At no point in this did I even contemplate alcoholism. Me an alcoholic, how very dare you suggest such a thing. Back then I laughed it off, I wasn't one of those people who sat down an alley stinking with a bottle of fortified wine. I wasn't on the Buckfast just yet.

Cheers!

2010 saw me carrying on with ADS, pleased with the progress, saying to those around me how well I am doing in controlling it and behind their backs carrying on as before. Still the battle went on and as the year went on I was beginning to hate myself for what I was becoming. If I overdid it one day, the next day when I went out I would say to myself i'm not doing that again, being grateful that i'm still alive, wishing my hangover away but knowing that I would be making apologies to my partner that morning.


It was also this year that I got engaged whilst on an all inclusive holiday, how I used to love them. You know when you look in the brochure about the hotel rating or how many metres it was to the beach, my basis for a good place to stay was the cost of a beer locally or was it an all inclusive resort. If there had been an all inclusive resort in Afganistan, if the price was right and the bar was open 24/7 then I would have wanted to go. Holidays were great insofar as people went on all inc holidays to get drunk, why not just get your moneys worth like everyone else?


2011 was my make or break year. Some weeks were good, some weeks not so but still the spiral of trying to fix it and not knowing how carried on, then I would resent and hate myself. My drinking was getting more erratic, if my partner was in work early in a morning then the night before I would buy a bottle of spirits and hide it in one of my outside bins, if I thought she was still up then I would hide it in a bush nearby to our house. At 5 or 6 am as she went out I would throw some clothes on and go and retrieve it and be pissed up by the time Jeremy Kyle was on. So long as I sobered up in time for her coming home then life was great. By now my drinking was causing me concern but I just kept to the ADS mantra of control it but I kept on trying and just becoming more upset and angry when I didn't manage to do it. As I laid there at night I kept asking why can I not do this, why am I such a failure, why can I not just be like anybody else. And then the suicidal thoughts came in how I didn't want to wake up in the morning if this is what life is going to be like. If I didn't want to live anymore then what is the least painful way out. Could I do it. Would I do it. Did I have the balls and what about the effect it would have on other people.


I tried to do all of this off my own back, going one day without a drink, feeling great, enjoying that feeling the next day, no pain, no guilt, no remorse, no apologies to make. But then it hit me again and the temptation drags you in and the only way I can describe it is like something has control over you, I knew I didn't want to get dressed and go and buy it but there felt like there was nothing left inside of me to put up a fight.


By summer my partner had suggested AA. I had looked at their message before and as soon as I saw the mention of anything religious I turned away from it. I don't know if to this day that was my decision or the drinking side of me saw an excuse and just relayed a thought to my brain saying this isn't for you. Knowing what I know now then I could and should have gone sooner and ignored my preconceptions about any religious beliefs.


My first AA meeting was more about anything for a peaceful life so I went, sat and listened. I hated being the new person, people wanting to know my name and shake my hand and say how welcome you are, all the things drink had made me around strangers made me want to run out of the door. I only think it's due to a mixture of manners and curiosity that I stayed.


I dipped in and out of AA during the summer months, what I was hearing struck a chord with me but still underneath it all that little fucking demon wanted one last shot at ruining my life. As it gained in strength I attended less meetings and then I started to lie about going.


The lowest point so far struck in October of 2011, this was my jumping off point, what was the beginning of the end for me. The point I had to reach before the fight back began. This was my final three days of drinking before I finally admitted defeat.

I get knocked down, but I get up again

On the first day I only worked half a day and was due to have an eye test at 4.30pm. If I remember correctly I hadn't drank for a couple of days and so that voice came back, go on, just have a bit. That was how it used to start, just have that bit that's left to silence the craving, you don't need to have more. Between lunchtime and 4pm I was back on the vodka again and by the time I reached town I was inebriated but still functioning. My partner was due to meet me first and when she saw me at 4.15 she totally flipped and told me there was no way she could marry me. Now when we used to argue over drinking, there were times I would get cocky and just think well fuck you, I'll be better off without you. Thankfully, reason kicked in and I accepted that I was wrong with my behaviour. I was told don't come home and just get to an AA meeting tonight, doesn't matter where, just go. That night my arse never went near an AA meeting but I don't remember where I went or what I did but I do remember getting home. I laid in bed that night hating what I had become, lost and stuck how to beat it and what to do for the best. I must have had more to drink but part of me didn't care any more and as part of my lowest point I don't even remember much of that evening bar getting home.


On the second day I should have been in work. I got up as normal, showered, got dressed but I just felt so ill, not just physically but mentally and emotionally. I hated myself so much that day, just not knowing how or why I got to that point, what had I done to deserve all of this, how do I put it right when my wife to be has heard all the words I used before over and over again. I didn't even get as far as work as I was ill in the street and heading back home again for yet another ear bashing. I am so glad that I never went into work that day but the events of the that day were to take a turn for the worst.


After I was left alone I then headed back out for more drink and a half bottle of vodka was soon devoured. By lunchtime I wanted more so I bought a bottle of red wine which I also polished off. Then the reality hit me that she will be home in a few hours, get me out of here quick. I don't remember getting dressed but I got out of the house and just switched my phone to airplane mode as I really didn't want anyone speaking to me that day. I have very few recollections of where I went or what I did but I do know that was my last ever blow out and has been to this day. By the time it was getting dark I was freezing cold and thought I have nothing to lose by attending an AA meeting, this was me at my very worst. I remember little about it but that has to be one of the best decisions I ever made in my life. I sat around for nearly an hour prior to it starting and decided to switch my phone back on to let my wife to be know that I was ok. Whilst initially annoyed at me, that soon changed to happiness that I was still alive and I was doing something about my drinking.


The third day I didn't feel as bad physically but at no point that day did I even want a drink, the idea repulsed me. I travelled twenty miles to the first AA meeting that day and headed back towards home for the back half of a second one. I had also decided on a policy of honesty towards my employer so I told them the exact reason why I had been off work and felt so much better doing so. Anyone with alcoholism, if this is you please do not keep this a secret unless it puts you in a position of risk, my drinking created in me this vision of a hopeless alcoholic as being a bum down an alleyway. In all truth I was that bum as I was staggering around, sneaking drinks from miniatures or 20cl bottles down back alleyways. Thankfully I was one of the lucky ones as I didn't lose everything around me and those brakes went on before everything and everyone around me fucked off once and for all.

Once and for all!

It is hard to describe alcoholism so I can only tell you how it felt for me and hope that if you read this then some of this may describe you too.


Powerless
The choice of drinking was no longer mine and once it started it wasn't happy untill I was in a mess


Hopeless
I never saw a way out, the further down it dragged me the less chance I saw of escape


Suicidal
I didn't want to wake up


Lonely
I still had friends but drink took away my desire to maintain contact


Weak
It made me beat myself up why I couldn't control it and be like other people


Anxious
Social situations, answering the door or the phone scared me


Reckless
Putting off paying bills, making irresponsible decisions


Selfish
It's all about me


Uncaring
I never knew how to truly care about other people


If I knew then what I know now I would never have picked up that first drink as a child, less so as a teenager. I'm not going to comment on drink prices, night club promotions, drinking ages or anything else as I accept that alcoholism is an illness within me. I also know that it won't just go away. My hayfever doesn't go away either but with the right treatment it doesn't cause me issues.


Today my life is so much better without a drink inside of me. I have more energy, I sleep better, I feel better and that has such a huge impact on those around me too. There's been the odd wobble along the way and I would by lying if there wasn't. But I know how to deal with it now so I don't beat myself up over it. I deal with it, learn from it, see why it's happened and move on. And since October I have never been in that state. That makes me feel so proud of myself but I also know I can't do it on my own. Without good people around me i'd be pissed up in some flat somewhere, possibly in employment, probably not and full of hatred and resentment at the world.

I still have work to do and plenty of it but one step at a time!