Old Post 5

It's interesting to read what my thinking used to be like and in some ways it's admirable that I wanted to help others too.


The last few weeks I have been spending them trying to understand what alcoholism is to me, how it manifests and looking at ways to help combat it. I want to share some of this experience with you as maybe, just maybe it might help someone who is reading this.

The lunacy of this disease is that it causes me to do things that rationally I wouldn't usually do and that is the crux of the problem. Let me illustrate what I mean here. I finished work at lunchtime, I see a film at the cinema, I go to an AA meeting, I go home, have something to eat, unwind and go to bed. Simple enough plan you would think. What actually happened is I finished work at lunchtime, went to the cinema, got the bus home, stopped at Aldi, bought vodka and proceeded to get smashed. So somewhere in there was a loss of control and it's almost like a blind spot whereby when you are in that position the power of choice is taken away from you.

My way of moving this on is to look at when blind spots can occur and have methods set down to counter them. For those of you who read my updates will know my drinking became isolated and was only happening when it was just me alone in the house for a long period of time as that in my head was like party time and that is when it took over. To combat it I now make people aware of when it's just me as my drinking thinking doesn't want me to speak to people, it just wants me to be on my own as it knows that is when I am at my most vulnerable. If I am serious about this there is no way that single handedly I can do this so I make everyone aware that on that weekend I am alone in the house for four days and I could be vulnerable. In return I get out, do things, work more hours, spend time with people, basically anything but sit with myself for company and my thoughts of now, the past and how the future should be.

I also have to look after the basics, talk to people, spend time in their company, eat well and at regular times, sleep when I am tired, all the things that when I was drinking I seriously neglected. This disease can be held back even if it is never beaten but the determination to do it has to come from myself.

There is no denying I am an alchoholic but what it leaves behind is a person who is starting to learn all about the world again, knowing that my opinion of people I have previously met has either been formed when I was drunk or under a drinkers mentality of which mine was usually trust no one or don't say anything as they should make the first move and come and talk to you.

When the drinking haze lifts you do see the world very differently but learning things again can be just as exciting as it can be daunting, Yes I struggle with communication and starting conversation but how much of that is me and how much of that is my drinking side wanting me to not speak, believing that the possibility of starting a new friendship with someone will mean less time that I am on my own. That is why it fills my head with self doubt and that the person will be too busy or that I am encroaching on their personal space or that I won't know what to say so I will just sound stupid so I might as well just sit there and say nothing at all.

I for one am upto here with all the shit that drink has caused and this is where the fightback truly begins, enough really is enough this time around. It isn't going to fix itself and a lot of teh issues in life are my own or have been caused by me. So let them carry on or face them head on and do things in a different way.

There is a better life out there and this is where it begins.