After a little break I'm back again with a few more words of wisdom and this time it's about the alcoholism and how it has affected my interactions with other people. At the moment there are times when I feel I am relearning life over again, learning how sobriety is and how a "normal" person would react. At the height of my drinking everything became a crises or a drama and I really struggled to take on board how other people were feeling.
Every day was a bloody drama!
I understand why this was the case and I don't beat myself up over that too much, I was a very sick and ill person mentally and the notion of thinking of someone else first was totally alien to me. If I got shouted at for being selfish I could do it for a while but as a natural course of action it was an absolute no no. All my decisions were based around what was best for me and the rest of the world had to slot in around me and if that didn't happen then I started to feel sorry for myself.
The toys were long since thrown out of the pram
It is nice to be able to give something back and the rewards for that are fantastic. Since changing my attitudes life has become immeasurably better, little things happen that might not seem so much but to me they really do matter. Even when things have not always gone the way I wanted them to, being accepting of that fact has usually resulted in a much better outcome.
Part of me writing this blog is to look back and reflect on how life used to be and to just compare it against how it is now. I have done my drinking story so I try and keep my new updates about how I am feeling at a certain time or what is working for me. Whilst looking back I can see how simple things like me choosing the TV channel or deciding what to make for dinner, it was always about what I wanted. If my other half was out at a party and she wasn't back when she said she was going to be I would be ringing and ringing her phone, getting progressively more angry when I didn't get an answer. Then I would be thinking well what a selfish cow she is, why did I even get with her, how dare she treat me this way, I'm going to find someone else, I can do better... One petty resentment after another building up and building up and when I look back now I just think well what a wanker I was at times.
"I like getting pissed by two, what about you..."
This is definitely a work in progress and I still get things wrong but I'm not afraid or ashamed of that fact but I use it to learn about others and to learn about how and why I acted in a certain way. These days I am not afraid to say sorry and to really mean it instead of just saying it to get myself out of the shit. So long as I jeep trying I will get results and when my interactions with others still veer towards the selfish side then I at least know that I am trying my hardest and know what it means to make a respected apology.
I perfected that look
Putting down the drink has been a challenge but this is where a lot of work commences, my decisions were always influenced by drink or a drunken state so I have become used to wanting and frequently getting my own way. What is happening here is about learning to think of other people first and that their own needs and demands are just as important as my own.
Different but just as important
Today is also one month of no drinking!
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